My Ship Is About To Come In
You Need To Be Nicer To Me
Perhaps a long-lost "cousin" will contact me, or maybe I will be inundated with proposals of marriage from some gold-digging twenty-something.
Why? Because the following just landed in my inbox.
GOOD NEWS
US AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA
11 GARIK ROAD ABUJA
ABUJA, NIGERIA
I WILL BE BRINGING YOUR FUNDS OF $18.5M ALONG WITH ME BUT THIS TIME I WILL
NOT GO THROUGH CUSTOMS BECAUSE AS AN AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA, I AM A US
GOVERNMENT AGENT AND I HAVE THE VETO POWER TO GO THROUGH CUSTOMS.AS SOON AS I AM THROUGH WITH THE MEETING I SHALL THEN PROCEED TO YOUR
ADDRESS. (SEND YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER AND THE ADDRESS WHERE YOU WANT ME TO BRING THE PACKAGE).YOU HAVE REALLY PAID SO MUCH IN THIS DELIVERY THAT
MAKES ME WONDER. YOU ARE A VERY LUCKY PERSON BECAUSE I SHALL BE BRINGING
IT MYSELF AND THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT.YOUR PACKAGE OF
($18.5M) MUST BE REGISTERED AS AN AMBASSADORIAL PACKAGE FOR ME TO DEFEAT
ALL ODDS AND THE COST OF REGISTERING IT IS $155.THE FEE MUST BE PAID IN
THE NEXT 50 HOURS VIA WESTERN UNION SO THAT ALL NECESSARY ARRANGEMENT CAN BE MADE BEFORE TIME WILL BE AGAINST US.SEND THE FEE VIA MONEY GRAM OR WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER
PAYMENT INFORMATION STATED BELOW:RECEIVER'S NAME: TONY IBE,
ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION: IN GOD?
ANSWER: WE TRUST
AMOUNT:$155.
AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE FEE MAKE SURE YOU SEND ME THE PAYMENT INFORMATION.
MY FLIGHT IS THURSDAY AND I EXPECT YOU TO COMPLY BEFORE THEN SO THAT THE
DELIVERY CAN BE COMPLETED.IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, THEN IT WILL NOT BE MY FAULT IF YOU DO NOT RECEIVE
YOUR PACKAGE.
REGARDS,
AMBASSADOR ROBIN RENEE.
All punctuation, selection of capitalization and apparent malapropisms are presented here as they have been received by me. I would never, ever tamper with the official communiqué of someone who possesses "VETO POWER TO GO THROUGH CUSTOMS"...
Rest assured that realizing this sudden extraordinary profit of $18.4845 million will not change with me, I'll still come to work and be my usual humble, unassuming self. I mean, I'll still talk to you as though we are equals, if that's what you're asking.
Please excuse me, I'm off to Western Union!
